My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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