I can tuck mytits in my pants
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
