"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Still dying that you shit outside
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize