I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
