I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
