I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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