Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
