period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
