I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
