you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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