Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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