Well douche your snatch and let's go!
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
