Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
