I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize