If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
