I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
