and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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