Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
