Swine flu is the new snow day.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
