My first STD was from a foam party
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
