textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
