Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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