so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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