Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
