i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
