Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Only a mothe r could love this liver
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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