I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
