just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Randomize