So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize