I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Someone stole a lamp last night.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
