Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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