I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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