i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
