there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
