I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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