I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
