Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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