I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
