I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
