I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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