Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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