Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
4 words: hood of his car
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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