I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
