38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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