Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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