what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
