i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
