My hand turned me down
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
