Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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