How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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