I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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