I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
