I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
