You just made me feel so damn special
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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