so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
