Duck Duck Cougar?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
