Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
