i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
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