it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
