hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
