His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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