Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
