At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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