I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
