At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
