I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
