Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
