Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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