Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
