the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize